Category: Let's talk
What do you do when you find that someone you know expresses bigoted beliefs or misogynistic views? Do you tell them that what they are saying is harmful or do you just keep quiet and let it pass? I usually try to point it out, but the responses I get are usually along the lines of "This is different, you don't understand" which is about the same as "I am not racist, I have black friends" which is the same as "There are good minorities, and there are bad minorities". In all the cases I just stated, the blame is not shifted onto themselves, but onto others ("No I am not the racist, you must be for trying to point it out!")
I am a pretty laid back girl when it comes to most things (wasn't always so laid back), but there is nothing that gets me active and fierce other than people saying bigoted things about women, minorities, and gays. I probably have lost a few friends over it, but is it worth it to call them friends if you call them out on their bigotry and instead of trying to understand, they run back into their shell, their enclave, and say "You don't understand, if you were there, you would know!" Well, saying that doesn't forgive the original statement. Racism is pretty insidious. You don't have to be overt about it for it to have an effect and the way its viewed by different races prove how insidious it is. That is why I think it needs to be stamped out wherever it is seen, because for some reason, people seem to have the belief that a black person has to be called a porch monkey, or a Nigger before they can say its racism. Racism doesn't work like that anymore, it has adapted to be far more invisible, and that makes it much more heinous anyways.
So what do you do? Do you risk your friendship and call them out on it? Or do you keep your mouth shut? I know what I would do. I guess in some ways, you can say its already happened to me.
I was hanging out at a friends house one day and he spent the majority of the time shouting at his girlfriend as if she was some sort of animal. Oh, he went on and on about what a bitch she can be and so on. Finally I told him to stop it and leave her alone for a change but he went on like he had every right in the world to do what he was doing. Him and I no longer talk or hang out because of his atitude.
I don't know if my story counts but I think it does.
I take the more entertaining road - make fun of them.
For example, I've had friends in the past who are homophobic. Not in a "kill the gays" way but in a "I don't feel comfortable hanging out with them" way. My response to this is usually a very monotone "Yes, because you're so damn attractive they're going to jump you the minute you turn around, right?"
Stupidity, I believe, should never occur without punishment to follow. So why not make it hilarious?
If they are the object of a joke, that might actually work. I know I feel really stupid when a mistake of mine becomes my friends' favorite punchline. Calling them on it or trying to forbid it is probably going to make you the object of their jokes. Is it fair? I would say not, but I think Miss Em's approach might be the best here if you can manage it.
Hmmm interesting.
I like M's response too--I've been known to respond to negative things that I don't think or am not sure I can handle with sarcasm.
I usually handle my problems with sarcasm. Most people take it as cruilty, however.
But see, they were probably being cruel in the first place.
Perhaps.
And this is why I love people with a sense of humor.
right. Lol.
Eh, it's not so much about being cruel as it is making the point in a way that won't allow someone to feel self-righteous. If you tell someone they're wrong, or at the least that you don't agree with them, it puts them in a position where they feel good about defending themselves and being "special."
When you spin their own opinion around to mock them, they're put in the lower position, which they can't do much to crawl out of without making themselves look blatantly like a bigot to everyone around. Sometimes, people even learn from this method because it forces them to see it from outside of themselves.
Exactly. As my former English teacher used to tell me, don't tell people. Show them. Giving your opinion that they're wrong is telling them, whereas making humor out of their opinion is showing them. Actions speak louder than words.
i agree, i don't think most things people decide to be a dick about are worth losing a friendship over..unless it's personal obviously. humor does show them their stupidity and also just steering the conversation is what i do as well. i admit to somewhat getting pissed cuz some people say some serious shit that's really quite offensive and shocking sometimes when it's people you think didn't even hold such views, but opinions are like noses and we all got to respect each other's opinion if we don't like it..but only to an extent cuz like i said it can get personal..and hurt people, and that's not cool with me.
I usually don't get offended easily but sometimes...wow.
Well, everyone is entitled to their opinions, but there's a time to speak your mind, and a time to just think it. If someone asks for my opinion, I'll give it, but I'm not going to go around flaunting it in everyone's faces either.
Same with me. In fact, more often than not, I won't say anything just to keep the peace.
It depends. Usually I'll try to point out the errors in their reasoning, but I'm also aware that you sometimes have to pick your battles (family anyone?) Still, it's better to try to change people's minds when you can. That being said, friends of mine that express such views aren't all that likely to remain friends of mine very long.
Sometimes you do have to pick your battles as you said.
Well, this is true. If I feel it necessary to try and change their opinions, I probably won't be picking such people as my friends.
Well sometimes they seem fine but they change.
Most comments don't bother me unless they're completely out of line. The exception is women and gays. I'm very passionate about that. But otherwise, I just let most things slide. Sometimes I agree and sometimes not. I think people have gotten way to politically correct to the point of being ridiculous. No one can even joke these days without someone getting up in a huff. I'm a very strong Greek patriot. But even I'll laugh at a joke about us if it's funny. But if someone really upsets me, I usually either shout, or insult them. But if I'm in the mood, I pick a socratic/logical debate with them, being sure to ask them to define their positions and to point out their flaws and either confuse them or force them to rethink their statements. To margorp, of course he didn't have the right. But apparently, if she was too weak to say anything, she gave it too him. I'd never stay with a man like that, not even if you paid me. I'd more than likely get physical if someone started talking about me like that.
I don't shout I just shrug and think "ah well"
I guess it really depends how it will affect you in the long run.
True, if you are directly affected...naturally you will react more defensively.
And if not, and you don't know anyone who would be, well...that's probably when the avoiding/ignoring part comes in.
most of the time I ignore stuff like that; in cases I feel it's necessary, though, I speak my mind.
Well, that, and then there are times when you might agree with what's being said, in which case, you could join in.
I share many strong opinions on many controversial issues, but I don't consider myself to be a racist person, or anything of that nature.
Depends on the comment as has been said and on the relationship. I have two examples to give that might help explain what I'm thinking. My first is simple...I have a friend who is devoutly Christian and has been raised to not respect homosexuals. However, she is fairly open minded and will actually discuss things...Her comment to me the other day was "I don't mind gays as long as they don't do that stuff around me(mush)". My response was, "what makes a difference between a man and woman, woman and woman, or, man and man doing that stuff(mush)?" She actually stopped and thought about it. She doesn't give to me the stupid comments like it just isn't right...She knows right is not a word that relates to any God to me...
The other case though was helarius! My brother do a degree is prejudice against blacks; I am not. I can't see the color of your skin, and I don't care to. But, anyways, he kept teaching his 5 (then 2) year old daughter to say the "N" word; which I hate, and have a hard time saying it myself. One day in Wal-mart they were getting what they needed, and clear as you please she comes off with, "There's a nigger Daddy!") The guy in question was like 6 6 to my brothers 5 11 and massive. My brother since has avoided using the word, and has not taught it to his son. Any time his conversation is going toward that prejudice I calmly remind him of my niece's comment that almost made him a perminant fixture of one of our local Wal-mart's floor...
Your response has to fit the circumstances, relationship and your reasons for saying something.
Well put indeed!